living & breathing
to find this peace
to find this solace
the disappearance of suffrage
the destruction of the one image
necessary for the next arrival necessary for the soul’s revival
the cycles are true and real
As I used to say before, all is alive and well. After my last exhibit, truth be told, I cycled again. It is difficult to present art in only select places, over and over again. To be told wonderful things, your potential held to the highest regard, yet the rejections pour in left and right. This story has many turns, and a lot of tangents. Yet it comes together. This is as true to my non-linear creative process at it could be. It all happens at the same time, sometimes. So what happened?
Before my last physical exhibition, I quit my full-time job to pursue my art career fully. In my mind, this was it. Now or never. I went all out for that exhibit; paper flowers made by hand, animations, projection mapping, an audio score, all made by me. The reception was great during the show. I even got to claim memberships to different art families (only through clout, as I came to find later). To speak in business terms, the ROI was nothing. I say that with sadness, not with my head held high.
Looking back at everything now, I understand my work can't live in the current art frameworks. Not saying it's bigger and better; it's too multifaceted. I will explain a bit further down.
After going through the motions of post-exhibit fatigue, I went for my master's. There was a lot of hesitation, though. With all the rejections my portfolio had received, I needed a lot of reassurance. In my mind's eye, I have no vision of myself and what I bring to the table. To me, the rejections meant my portfolio wasn't presenting my work right. To me, I needed to fit my work into certain manageable frames: I am a painter, I am a photographer. I am an artist, and this is my medium; that sort of framing.
So I had my first portfolio review session. It was the first time, the very first time, that someone would take the time to tell me what they thought about my work. The first thing that was said was, "We don't understand why you're here." And I was like, ugh, here we go again... but it was followed with "...this is ready; we can argue it's even beyond ready..." After years and years of pursuing my story, my art practice, years of nos, there was this. For the first time, it's not wrong. Years of no, to then be told, “We don’t understand why you’re here; there’s nothing to review; you’re ready to apply.” Like, what? It didn’t register. It was still a one-off thing at the time. It actually took a whole year or two to integrate that lesson. Right after I did apply, and I did get accepted. The achievement wasn’t recognized by myself first. I didn’t know how big it is. To first be accepted to Central Saint Martins, then to be one of three international students to be chosen. I wish I can go back to that version of myself, but alas, its canon it had to happen that way for me to see.
This is where I also found out the art memberships were indeed just clout. Though at the time, I blamed myself for the entire plot. Haven't saved enough, didn't work hard enough, etc. The plethora of organizations I approached, knowing my name was up there somewhere, and still no support. You just have to move on. I let go of the story. Watched the dream fade away. Allowed it to decay and wither into the deep crevices of my mind. I fought long and hard to make it real, yet no one really wanted it. Did I even want it anymore? A university dream most probably, that needed to be put to bed.
So I went back to my studio work, got to work on some amazing projects, and then moved to Abu Dhabi for a full-time job. Arriving in the capital with literally nothing. No hope, no dreams, nothing. Just a new interesting opportunity, a nice puzzle to figure out.
This is where everything changed. Not because of the job necessarily, but because of the distance. Before then, I was creating in my room. My space was my studio. I live and breathe and cycle and create all in the same space. Having this distance allowed for breath. Allowed for space. Allowed for thinking and the act of rebuilding to take place. I will reference the cycles again, because they are inevitable. In another realm, I was tasked with leading three creatives, who similarly lost their sparks. In my mind, I’ve been through this; I know what that feels like. The final let go. I didn’t want that to happen. I understand corporate structures, armed with design thinking and advanced pattern recognition skills. I knew I could be a good ‘creative’ manager, someone I needed in my professional career.
After a year, hope arrived. The story kind of showed up again. I say and use these words because truly, I believe this all exists somewhere in the zeitgeist. I’m just a storyteller, an archeologist, or whatever fits, actually. I was hesitant at first, but I entertained it.
It is truly a fun experience for me, because my work is not really about the output as much as it is about the process of weaving the narrative. That's why I mentioned the multifacetedness before. I use a lot of mediums to tell that story. In ways, each medium allows for certain emotions to rise. In other ways, each narrative requires a different medium. In yet another realm, it's pure childlike curiosity. I don't stop myself, I don't question, I let it flow. I then piece them together, and it all happens naturally. Making connections. To me they're literally mind-blowing experiences. Imagine uncovering art and writing gems from your past, like ages 10 and younger, about the very thing you thought started in university. Then realizing this is all part of the same story, the same narrative.
So where I’m at right now, I’ve mapped my creative process, and I’m fully immersed in it. I don’t question, and I don’t stop myself. I will not force the work to be presented in certain categories. The work will emerge in its rightful place at the right time. It is a big project, a huge narrative to weave. It’s one that is living & breathing as long as I am. There is a reason for it being built in real time, my loves. There is literally a reason for every choice and decision I’ve made with my work so far. Coincidence, sure. I call it the whimsy (its in the zeigiest remember).
Before I reveal too much: Yes, P is alive and well. Yes, it's all coming together the way it needs to come together. This story is my story; an entire cosmology of human emotions. A lifelong project, a bit over 20 years in the making. I now understand I need to create my own framework to hold this story. All of this is necessary. Everything you will see is necessary and goes back to the very core, the one truth, as I like to call it in my realm. It is the same story, repeated across time.
The story will be told across all available channels for now. Each channel with its own rules and regulations, allowing for the story to exist within that realm, within its own framework. Kind of like a trojan horse... You think it's a LinkedIn article, but it's not. Everything I put out from this moment on, is multilayered and interconnected. Its all one thing, not separate.
So, follow along!